If at first you don't succeed...

 

"Drew, If at first you don't succeed...maybe it's you. Try redefining success. With care, Marc."

Don't keep your enemies that close.

 

"Owen, They say 'keep your friends close + your enemies closer,' but that doesn't mean you can lock your neighbour in the basement. And Barry isn't your enemy just because you feel he mows his lawn too early on weekends.  Regards, Amelia."

I'll be taking a sick day...

"Vilma, So, my athlete's foot cream tube looks exactly like my toothpaste tube. As a result, I will be taking a sick day.  With care, Magnus."

 

If you give me a platform, I am liable to offend...

"Jeannie, Everyone knows if you give me a platform to speak, prepare to be offended. So, don't just ask me to 'guess' your high school nickname at a council meeting.  
Also, are you saying it wasn't 'Miss Fucksicle'?  Sincerely, Liam. "

 

Don't Bite the Hand that Feeds...but also...

"Joe, That's no excuse. Don't bite the hand that feeds you...but moreover, don't bite people's hands!!!  With regard, Lionel."

 

2023 will go down as...

"Colm, Personally, I think 2023 will go down as the year all the wrong billionaires got into submersibles. With care, Fiona."

 

What Nietzsche said...

 

"Owen, Nietzsche said 'become who you are.' But we all know you can do better than that.  Love Penelope."

What were the inventors of toilet paper thinking...?

 

"Jordan, One wonders, when one considers the size of one sheet of toilet paper...what did its inventors think it would be wiping?  With care, Ruby."

Worms should sleep in

 

"Rhys. The saying 'the early bird gets the worm' is only inspirational if you're the bird. Worms ought to sleep in.  With Care, Juliana."

There's a critical lack of kindness in the world...so...

 

"Alastair, We have a critical lack of kindness in the world today. That's why I wish you'd speak more pleasantly when you tell people to go fuck themselves. With care, Vivienne."

If there's a minimum age to vote...

 

"Antero, I don't know...if people under 18 can't vote, maybe people over 80 shouldn't vote either. I mean, if you are statistically unlikely to live thru the term, you shouldn't have a say in the election.  Regards, Marjatta."

Give a millennial a fish, and they'll eat for a day...

 

"Endrik, Give a millennial a fish, and they will eat for a day. Teach a millennial to fish, and they will whine for hours, and ask why couldn't someone invent a hook that baited itself, and aren't there any fish that will just get into a net without all this casting and shit?  With care, Mahina."

They say the pen is mightier...

 

"Isabella, They say 'the pen is mightier than the sword,' but that assumes it's a really dull sword & you're really careful where you stab them with the pen. In hope, Vincente."

Your phone's autocorrect...

 

"Borysko, If your phone's autocorrect STILL thinks you're trying to type "DUCK"...you're not swearing enough.  Love, Antonina." 

Saying 'it's just my opinion'...

 

"Fyodor, Please understand, saying 'it's just my opinion', about something you know nothing about, is like walking into a fancy restaurant's kitchen, taking a shit on a dinner plate, and then calling yourself 'Chef'.  With regards, Betty. "

If you're feeling down, remember this: in 2022...

"Jeanne, Happy New Year! This New Year's Eve, if you're feeling down, remember this: There will be fewer anti-vaxxers alive in 2022 than there were in 2021...for all the right reasons.  Love, Noelle."

 

It's all fun and games until...

"Jasper, They say 'it's all fun & games until someone loses an eye...' but they never say anything about FINDING an eye. I'd call 911.  With care, Jasmine." 

 

She says it's because the science isn't proven but...

 

"Ava, She SAYS she's an anti-vaxxer because she thinks the science isn't proven.  She's really an anti-vaxxer because she hates her kids.  Regards, Sophia."

Dating is so different these days...

 

"Jacques, Dating is so different these days, with all these 'lifestyle' choices. Whatever happened to good, old fashioned unethical non-monogamy anyway?  Curiously, Viv."

What conservatives are interested in...

"Darling, Conservatives these days are more interested in dressing up an ass than apologizing for shitty results. A bit similar to buying toilet paper that is perfumed.  Love, Byron."

Stop going on and on about downward dogs...

 

"Nancy, The thing is, I could get into yoga more if they'd stop going on & on about downward dogs. Just call it fucking stretching and be done with it.  Regards, Sophia."

Easter is a parable...

 

"Yosef, Remember, basically, Easter is a parable that teaches us how important it is to choose carefully who we invite to dinner.  With love, Anna."

Soon the lockdown will end...

"Benson, Due to the current lockdown, I am unable to see you in person. But! Soon the lockdown will end as the vaccine is made widely available, and I will have to come up with a new reason why I can't see you in person. Regards, Bea."

 

I am still wracked with a lack of self-confidence...

"Audrey, I am still wracked with a lack of self-confidence. Yesterday, I couldn't even masturbate. I just kept thinking...I'm out of my league.  Regards, Wyatt."

 

You're a holistic practitioner?

"Debra, You're studying to be a 'holistic practitioner'?  I believe 'holistic' is code for 'couldn't be bothered to study science'.  Good luck 'doc',  Ben." 

 

You needn't see a doctor for that...

"Louis, I understand you were unable to perform sexually. But you needn't see a doctor. It's not a medical issue when you are unable to perform by request.  Kindly, Léoni."

 

Remember what dreams are...

"Oliver, Remember, dreams are just failures you haven't yet brought to fruition.  With Regards, Miriam."

That saying is not a hypothesis...

"Boris, The saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" is NOT a hypothesis to be tested, you sick bastard. In hope, Tess."

It's great you wrote a book, but...

"Dante, It's great you wrote a book but "500 Creative Uses for Toothpaste' isn't going to be published if 85 of the suggestions involve making your ass taste minty... With Kind Regards, Previn."

I didn't say you were anal retentive...

"Phineas, Darling, I didn't say you were anal retentive. I said you were full of shit.  With Regards, Betty."

That's not what Freud wrote about...

"Lech, Freud wrote about penis ENVY, not penis LEVY. And even if he did, you still can't do that at the subway entrance.  In hope, Wanda."

You shouldn't exercise creative license while caroling.

"Benji, No, you shouldn't exercise creative license when caroling. And seriously? Three French hos, two phat blunts & a quart of 12 yr Hennessy?  Good lord, Merry Christmas, Madison."

Advent Calendars are for children...

"Benny, Of course home-made Advent Calendars are a lovely holiday idea. But Advent Calendars are for children. Why, in God's name, did you fill them with edibles?!? Love Leah."

Laughter isn't the best medicine...

"Alessandro, They say laughter is the best medicine. But when dating a stripper...probably penicillin is better.  Be well, Mikaela."

When everyone guesses your Halloween costume...

"Bert, When everyone guesses you dressed up for Halloween as a huge asshole...maybe you need to think about the type of person you are.  In friendship, Villa."

Pre vs Post-Concussion Syndrome.

"Timmy, Post-Concussion Syndrome is an injury after being hit in the head. You have pre-concussion syndrome...meaning you're really fucking annoying & everyone wants to punch you in the face.  Regards, Lee."

That which does not kill us...

"Tiffany, That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Except for Reggie. That which does not kill Reggie turns him into a vegetable. Love, Tig."

Just because it 'looks' like French onion soup...

"Rupert, I think the lesson here is just because it 'looks' like french onion soup, does not mean that it 'is' french onion soup.  Get well soon, Mavis."

Yes, we must learn coping strategies for climate change...

"Gustav, Yes, climate change will lead to more of these heat waves, & so we must learn coping strategies. Still, you should only do that with ice cubes in the privacy of your own home (and not on the street car). With care, Noemi."

Yes, every journey must begin with a single step...

"Jim, Yes, Lao Tzu said every journey must begin with a single step. However, that's not how I would begin my presentation to the U.S. Paraplegic Association's Annual General Meeting. With care, Gina."

The organ donation card...

"Mason, We've gone over this before. The organ donation card is only intended for YOUR organs. You can't list other people.  Regards, Oli." 

Never ask the nursery school teacher...

"Rex, First off, no it absolutely is not. Secondly, who the fuck asks a nursery school teacher if their baby powder is made with real babies? Sicko, Ned."

The issue with nudists is...

"Randolph, The lesson here has little to do with the issue's merit.  The lesson is that nudists should probably not organize outdoor rallies in January.  Regards, Elya. 

He's such a narcissist ...

"Eve, Darling, you're better off without him. He's such a narcissist, after he masturbates he expects his hand to say 'thank you'.  Love, Dawn."

How I feel about Christianity...

"Nathaniel, Just to be clear on how I feel about Christianity...at Easter, my day of celebration is on the Friday.  With love, Simone."

Be clear about "Loving thy neighbour as thyself..."

"Johan, I know you're trying to follow a spiritual path, hun, and yes, the bible says to love thy neighbour as thyself.  But you need to be clearer about your 'safe word' and ask the neighbour's permission first. They're pressing charges.  Love, Maja."

Ecclesiastes 4:9 does not mean that...

"Lorenzo, Yes, Ecclesiastes 4:9 says 'two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.' BUT that is not a good reason to suggest a threesome with your sister-in-law.  With hope, Dinah."

Smart home technology is remarkable, but...

"Aika, 'Smart home' technology is remarkable, you're right. Yes, they're coming up with new ideas all the time.  But I doubt anyone will build a 'smart toaster' that does that...Love, Oliver."

You can make tea from nearly anything.

"Lukas, It's true, you can make tea from nearly anything. Emphasis on 'nearly', you sick fuck. Love, Emma."

Listening to sea shells is not the same as...

"Abel, While it's true that if you hold your ear to a sea shell, you can hear the ocean, the same principle does not apply to women's underwear. And even if it did, they'd still have asked you to leave the mall.  Regards, Lewis."